REMEMBERING LADY JANE

LADY JANE

Lady Jane died seven years ago today. She was my mother and I miss her.

My mother was the epitome of grace and elegance. Hence the nickname Lady Jane. She was the kind of woman who turned heads when she entered a room. In her nearly eighty-nine years I don’t believe I ever heard her use a curse word except in private as a joke.

When Lady Jane found out she was pregnant with her last child she announced to the world "This is my last baby and I am going to spoil it to death." As luck would have it, that child was me. I was spoiled pretty good as I recall.

I don't know exactly what it is but there seems to be an extra special bond between a mother and her youngest. I didn't really become aware of our bond until I was a young woman. It was whilst on safari in Kenya East Africa that we forged a relationship that was more than mother daughter. It was that and much more. We truly became life long friends. Although it was sometimes tough for her there was nothing that I could not tell her.

The thing I regret the most is that I was always so full of myself and did all the talking. My mother had an appetite for listening to my tales that knew no end. I think she lived a little vicariously through me. At the time that was wonderful but now I wish I had spent more time asking her about her. There is so much I will never know because I never thought to ask.

In the end my mother had Alzheimer's. I took care of her for nearly seven years. Through it all she remained the epitome of elegance and grace. People have a tendency to underestimate persons with dementia and it used to really make me angry. They would talk in front of mother as though she weren't even there. But, she was there.

There are so many wonderful memories I hold in my heart. But, the memory that will grip my heart until the day that I die is of her, hardly able to remember or do anything, shuffling up to me, taking my face in her hands, looking up into my eyes with more love than can be imagined and saying, "You are my baby."

I miss you Mama and I'm still your baby!

©Kinsey Barnard

My Best Friend

My best friend is a dog. He is a purebred Siberian husky and his name is Lakota Sunrise. Lakota for his father Lakota Brave Heart and Sunrise for his mother Tequila Sunrise. I mostly call him Koty. Koty has been my constant companion since he was eight weeks old. He flew to me on December 1, 1999.

He saw me through the long years of caring for my mother and now he brightens my day every day. Koty is a tenderhearted boy and I have never known anyone with the joie de vivre that he exhibits. If I had a dollar for everyone who asks me how old my “puppy” is I would be a millionaire. Lakota is a master at living in the moment.

Today I realized that I have been living so much in the moment with my photography I haven’t been with him very much even though he is with me every step of the way. I have just been dragging him from one place to another telling him to hold still. I’ve been so totally focused on "my" moments he has been left behind. The realization did not make me pleased with myself. So, I determined that Lakota and I would spend the day just we two. I would not even take my camera with me.

We had a grand day. Most of it spent combing the beaches. Koty raced around in the sand, smelling all the delicacies the ocean had thrown up on the shore. I reveled in his delight and enthusiasm for the mundane. We sat together and watched the waves roll in. We were in the moment together.

It got me thinking about living in the moment again. And what I thought was; living in the moment is all well and good but not to the exclusion of our companions and loved ones. One must be careful and not selfish in their pursuit of a full life. Maybe we ought to make the effort to spend more conscious time in the moments of those we love?

© Kinsey Barnard

Keep Me Close

This photograph I call "Keep Me Close". It was taken in Jasper National Park, Alberta Canada.

When I spied this mother and child, high up on a cliff, they brought tears to my eyes. The sight of them flooded me with memories of my own mother who I lost five and a half years ago to Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's is a nasty business. Watching someone you love just fade away right before your eyes is heart wrenching to say the least. I cared for my mother for seven long years and I have tremendous empathy for those who are doing the same.

For those of you who are fortunate enough to still have your mother cherish every moment. After all this time I still have my "Mama Moments" when I am overwhelmed by her loss. I used to say to her "You are my mother and I shall know no other." And how true those words were. I wish she could know how much I miss her. I think she would want to know that.

I still talk to my mother. Especially when I am out in the mountains searching for subjects to photograph. I speak often to both my mothers. Mama, my earth mother, and Mother Nature my spiritual mother. I feel so close to them when I am in the wild. I always ask of them "Keep Me Close".

© Kinsey Barnard